Matthew 2
Scripture: Matthew 2:16 Then
Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding
wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem,
and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according
to the time which he had diligently enquired of the wise men
Observation: It amazes me that every child was killed in search of one. I cannot imagine the overwhelming pain this must have caused. Also, it occurs to me that even a child's life is not spared at times. These children were killed. The children in Egypt were killed during the plagues in Moses' time. I wonder if this added to the distrust of Jesus when he grew older. If there were those - especially mothers - who would remember the death of their children because of this one child. How is a heart to be softened after something like this?
Application: Perhaps if one has faith before the death of a loved one it is easier to know that God is simply taking back what belongs to Him. I need to remember that this child within me is given to me for a time to raise but there is no guarantee of how long I will be blessed with his/her presence.
Prayer: God, I pray that you would help keep things in perspective for me. That I would always be mindful of the job I have to do as a mother and that ultimately everything is in your hands. Help me to bear the weight of tragedies yet to come. In your name I pray, Amen.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
100 Days of Discipline - 1
Matthew 1
Scripture: Matthew 1:20 ... fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.
Observation: My heart aches for Mary in this passage. She could have been abandoned with child and scorned but God knew what he was doing and gave her a man that took her in "despite" her circumstances. I cannot imagine her fear and the palpitations of her heart. What a very mighty woman. I wonder how God came to choose her of all the people on earth.
Application: I feel that every mother is chosen specifically by God to bear each child with which they are blessed. I may not have a child conceived of the Holy Spirit but it is still a child of God's. There are times when I feel wholly inadequate and I wonder if Mary did too.
Prayer: God, I pray that I am thankful for the conception of this child and that it is a child of Yours lent to me for a certain amount of time to make a difference for You. I am thankful to have a husband who loves me even on my bad days. I am thankful for Mary and Joseph and their willing hearts. I am thankful for their courage and strength and pray that Adam and I will have the same to get us through the coming months and years. I am thankful for today and all that you have blessed us with. In Your Name, Amen.
Scripture: Matthew 1:20 ... fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.
Observation: My heart aches for Mary in this passage. She could have been abandoned with child and scorned but God knew what he was doing and gave her a man that took her in "despite" her circumstances. I cannot imagine her fear and the palpitations of her heart. What a very mighty woman. I wonder how God came to choose her of all the people on earth.
Application: I feel that every mother is chosen specifically by God to bear each child with which they are blessed. I may not have a child conceived of the Holy Spirit but it is still a child of God's. There are times when I feel wholly inadequate and I wonder if Mary did too.
Prayer: God, I pray that I am thankful for the conception of this child and that it is a child of Yours lent to me for a certain amount of time to make a difference for You. I am thankful to have a husband who loves me even on my bad days. I am thankful for Mary and Joseph and their willing hearts. I am thankful for their courage and strength and pray that Adam and I will have the same to get us through the coming months and years. I am thankful for today and all that you have blessed us with. In Your Name, Amen.
Monday, April 23, 2012
running and hiding
I've run away from my phone. It's in the bed room and I'm on the couch. I texted 2 people and I don't want to know or listen to their responses so I ran away. My heart was pounding too hard to lay there in bed waiting for my phone to vibrate with a reply.
My first message was to Sara. I let her know that I will be picking Adam up from the airport tomorrow and that I will be leaving work at 9 when Jylina arrives. When I talked to Adam last night he suggested that I show up in the morning and then leave for the rest of the day to pick him up. I thought it was a great idea. I help Sara out in the morning and then spend the rest of the day with my love...who I'm desperate to see. Her reply asked if I was going to come back after picking him up because Lianne is off tomorrow afternoon. I wanted to reply back, "No. I will not be coming back...especially on a Friday and especially on my last day. Why would I do that?" Instead I responded with, "probably not." After a few minutes she came back with, "That puts us in a tight spot tomorrow." And that really upset me.
#1. I'm pregnant. I already told you this. I told you I needed to leave the stressful situation. Do you honestly think guilt tripping me about coming back to work is a good idea? Come on!
#2. It's my last day Sara. Don't be an idiot. Why in the heck would I want to go back? You and I both know I'm not happy there.
#3. I have been in a panic all week knowing that I'm pregnant and not having my husband to calm and comfort me. I need to get this panic feeling under control soon or I'm going to end up losing this baby.
My second message was to Laura, my sponsor telling her that I've got a lot on my plate and I'm just not sure I'm up for leading tonight. She responded that she won't be there tonight...so it's all on me.
I feel shaky and my heart won't stop pounding. I'm trying to do too many things at once, with too little sleep and very little support. If it doesn't slow down soon my heart might just stop beating. Seriously...I feel wave after wave of panic taking over my body. As soon as I begin to calm down another one comes on. If Adam doesn't come home to me soon...I feel like I'm going to explode!
My first message was to Sara. I let her know that I will be picking Adam up from the airport tomorrow and that I will be leaving work at 9 when Jylina arrives. When I talked to Adam last night he suggested that I show up in the morning and then leave for the rest of the day to pick him up. I thought it was a great idea. I help Sara out in the morning and then spend the rest of the day with my love...who I'm desperate to see. Her reply asked if I was going to come back after picking him up because Lianne is off tomorrow afternoon. I wanted to reply back, "No. I will not be coming back...especially on a Friday and especially on my last day. Why would I do that?" Instead I responded with, "probably not." After a few minutes she came back with, "That puts us in a tight spot tomorrow." And that really upset me.
#1. I'm pregnant. I already told you this. I told you I needed to leave the stressful situation. Do you honestly think guilt tripping me about coming back to work is a good idea? Come on!
#2. It's my last day Sara. Don't be an idiot. Why in the heck would I want to go back? You and I both know I'm not happy there.
#3. I have been in a panic all week knowing that I'm pregnant and not having my husband to calm and comfort me. I need to get this panic feeling under control soon or I'm going to end up losing this baby.
My second message was to Laura, my sponsor telling her that I've got a lot on my plate and I'm just not sure I'm up for leading tonight. She responded that she won't be there tonight...so it's all on me.
I feel shaky and my heart won't stop pounding. I'm trying to do too many things at once, with too little sleep and very little support. If it doesn't slow down soon my heart might just stop beating. Seriously...I feel wave after wave of panic taking over my body. As soon as I begin to calm down another one comes on. If Adam doesn't come home to me soon...I feel like I'm going to explode!
I'm pregnant
I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep at night. I'm awake at 3:30. I feel like I'm living in a dream. This can't be real. I can't really be pregnant. But I am. I really really am.
Help.
On Saturday a sudden and unexplained exhaustion came over me and I fell asleep on the couch for an hour. Not typical of me. When I woke up I had to pee. On an impulse I grabbed a dip stick and took it with me. I already knew that it was going to say not pregnant (although I guess subconsciously there must have been an inkling of pregnancy since I made the decision to take a test)...but low and behold the test read "pregnant" and my world turned upside down. I grabbed the stick and the wrapper and as soon as I reached the stairwell I was shouting, "Adam! Adam! Adam!" over and over again until he got up from the computer and put his hands on my shoulders. "I'm pregnant," is all I said and then I showed him the stick.
I remember a very brief moment of gladness but it was quickly replaced by fear, anxiety and the reality of what this meant. I started shaking. I covered my mouth. I may have half-smiled before a glint of tears formed in my eyes. I started breathing uncontrollably. I needed to call my mom.
Adam guided me to the couch and I eventually joined him there. His first instinct, above all else, is to research it. So he researched the test I took (clear blue easy digital). There were quite a few false positives with it. Immediately after he shared that with me I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I had things back under control. Life wasn't forever altered.....at least not yet.
We decided to buy another test, First Response, when we got groceries later on to see if what we saw earlier would be confirmed or denied. When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom. I was much more anxious this time around and kept watching the blinking clock to see what it would read at the end. It was a No-. Again I felt that wave of relief and went to share the news with Adam.
The next morning I took my temperature. It was still high and no sign of period to come. By the time I drove him to the airport I had to know what his thoughts were. The only thing I got was, "It will all work out. We'll be fine." It didn't help me to feel any better. I promised him before he left that I wouldn't test again until he came back. I'd just be watching and waiting for my temp to drop and my period to start.
That lasted less than 24 hours. By Monday morning I was a wreck. I had to know one way or the other. Luckily I'd scheduled a physical for my new job at 10:45am. I knew that they'd test me there and I'd get a final answer.
The physical came and went and although I expressed concern about a possible pregnancy, nothing was done to confirm or deny it. Since I was at Walgreens anyway, I took matters into my own hands. I bought another pack of tests...the ordinary, read-the-pink-lines First Response test.
I was scheduled to meet Jessica at Panera at noon so with tests in hand I made my way there. Arriving early I had just enough time to stowaway in the bathroom and perform another quick test. I read the instructions and carried them out flawlessly, even using my phone as a timer.
As I laid the test on the floor and hid it from prying eyes behind my boot, I glanced down not more than 30 seconds into the test. I could already make out the second line beginning to appear. I willed myself to wait out the next two and a half minutes without looking. When I again looked down, sure enough, there it was...one dark pink line and one unmistakable light pink line.
I am pregnant.
I left the bathroom and took the stick with me (in the wrapper) in my purse. I found a seat and tried to tell myself that I was pregnant. I felt myself starting to freak out again so I sent Adam an email. It said simply, "I'm pregnant. Help."
Soon afterward Jessica showed up and I was able to take my mind off things. As I sat there holding her almost 6 week old son, I couldn't imagine myself with one. I couldn't imagine that God was already growing one of these inside of my body. This can't really be happening to me.
When she asked if I was pregnant I knew I couldn't and wouldn't lie. I showed her a picture of the sticks. She was excited for me and couldn't stop smiling, but I couldn't accept her excitement. It still wasn't real.
When we went to Buy Buy Baby to walk around I steeled myself against imagining any of this was actually for me. Instead, I walked around admiring the toys and trinkets for some far distant future use.
I talked to Adam later that night and finally asked him to tell me what he was feeling. He said, "excited." Why am I not excited? I want to be. In fact, I want to tell everyone so that their reactions might inspire me to be excited. Especially our parents and Steph and Nicolas. I just want them to know so badly so that I don't feel so alone in this.
Tonight was Life Group. Leslie, Casey, Laura, Mom and I were the only ones to show. I congratulated Laura and asked her questions about her first doctor's appointment and the hospital they've chosen. When I asked her her due date I almost laughed. She's due November 7th. I'm due November 18th. Within eleven days of each other. I wanted to say something so badly. I wanted to join that secret club of recently pregnant first timers so that we can confide in each other with all of our anxieties......but I kept my mouth shut. I'm not ready for my mother-in-law to know....not without Adam present.
I feel completely unprepared for this. I can't imagine why I wanted this and sought it out. And why is it happening now? I'm leaving my short term disability. I'm getting a cut in pay. How are we going to make it? How will we survive? And what will we do about childcare? What about finishing the bathroom and new flooring? We can't afford all that plus a baby. And our insurance is crap and what if I'm not covered at all because I've got a pre-existing condition?
I'm just so overwhelmed by all of this. I want my mom but she'll cease to be my mom when she finds out. She'll be a giddy grandmother.
I can't imagine what this must be like if you're a teenager. I'm 28 years old and I work with infants and I don't feel any more prepared.
I can't wait until Friday when my love comes home and we can sort this all out together.
Help.
On Saturday a sudden and unexplained exhaustion came over me and I fell asleep on the couch for an hour. Not typical of me. When I woke up I had to pee. On an impulse I grabbed a dip stick and took it with me. I already knew that it was going to say not pregnant (although I guess subconsciously there must have been an inkling of pregnancy since I made the decision to take a test)...but low and behold the test read "pregnant" and my world turned upside down. I grabbed the stick and the wrapper and as soon as I reached the stairwell I was shouting, "Adam! Adam! Adam!" over and over again until he got up from the computer and put his hands on my shoulders. "I'm pregnant," is all I said and then I showed him the stick.
I remember a very brief moment of gladness but it was quickly replaced by fear, anxiety and the reality of what this meant. I started shaking. I covered my mouth. I may have half-smiled before a glint of tears formed in my eyes. I started breathing uncontrollably. I needed to call my mom.
Adam guided me to the couch and I eventually joined him there. His first instinct, above all else, is to research it. So he researched the test I took (clear blue easy digital). There were quite a few false positives with it. Immediately after he shared that with me I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I had things back under control. Life wasn't forever altered.....at least not yet.
We decided to buy another test, First Response, when we got groceries later on to see if what we saw earlier would be confirmed or denied. When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom. I was much more anxious this time around and kept watching the blinking clock to see what it would read at the end. It was a No-. Again I felt that wave of relief and went to share the news with Adam.
The next morning I took my temperature. It was still high and no sign of period to come. By the time I drove him to the airport I had to know what his thoughts were. The only thing I got was, "It will all work out. We'll be fine." It didn't help me to feel any better. I promised him before he left that I wouldn't test again until he came back. I'd just be watching and waiting for my temp to drop and my period to start.
That lasted less than 24 hours. By Monday morning I was a wreck. I had to know one way or the other. Luckily I'd scheduled a physical for my new job at 10:45am. I knew that they'd test me there and I'd get a final answer.
The physical came and went and although I expressed concern about a possible pregnancy, nothing was done to confirm or deny it. Since I was at Walgreens anyway, I took matters into my own hands. I bought another pack of tests...the ordinary, read-the-pink-lines First Response test.
I was scheduled to meet Jessica at Panera at noon so with tests in hand I made my way there. Arriving early I had just enough time to stowaway in the bathroom and perform another quick test. I read the instructions and carried them out flawlessly, even using my phone as a timer.
As I laid the test on the floor and hid it from prying eyes behind my boot, I glanced down not more than 30 seconds into the test. I could already make out the second line beginning to appear. I willed myself to wait out the next two and a half minutes without looking. When I again looked down, sure enough, there it was...one dark pink line and one unmistakable light pink line.
I am pregnant.
I left the bathroom and took the stick with me (in the wrapper) in my purse. I found a seat and tried to tell myself that I was pregnant. I felt myself starting to freak out again so I sent Adam an email. It said simply, "I'm pregnant. Help."
Soon afterward Jessica showed up and I was able to take my mind off things. As I sat there holding her almost 6 week old son, I couldn't imagine myself with one. I couldn't imagine that God was already growing one of these inside of my body. This can't really be happening to me.
When she asked if I was pregnant I knew I couldn't and wouldn't lie. I showed her a picture of the sticks. She was excited for me and couldn't stop smiling, but I couldn't accept her excitement. It still wasn't real.
When we went to Buy Buy Baby to walk around I steeled myself against imagining any of this was actually for me. Instead, I walked around admiring the toys and trinkets for some far distant future use.
I talked to Adam later that night and finally asked him to tell me what he was feeling. He said, "excited." Why am I not excited? I want to be. In fact, I want to tell everyone so that their reactions might inspire me to be excited. Especially our parents and Steph and Nicolas. I just want them to know so badly so that I don't feel so alone in this.
Tonight was Life Group. Leslie, Casey, Laura, Mom and I were the only ones to show. I congratulated Laura and asked her questions about her first doctor's appointment and the hospital they've chosen. When I asked her her due date I almost laughed. She's due November 7th. I'm due November 18th. Within eleven days of each other. I wanted to say something so badly. I wanted to join that secret club of recently pregnant first timers so that we can confide in each other with all of our anxieties......but I kept my mouth shut. I'm not ready for my mother-in-law to know....not without Adam present.
I feel completely unprepared for this. I can't imagine why I wanted this and sought it out. And why is it happening now? I'm leaving my short term disability. I'm getting a cut in pay. How are we going to make it? How will we survive? And what will we do about childcare? What about finishing the bathroom and new flooring? We can't afford all that plus a baby. And our insurance is crap and what if I'm not covered at all because I've got a pre-existing condition?
I'm just so overwhelmed by all of this. I want my mom but she'll cease to be my mom when she finds out. She'll be a giddy grandmother.
I can't imagine what this must be like if you're a teenager. I'm 28 years old and I work with infants and I don't feel any more prepared.
I can't wait until Friday when my love comes home and we can sort this all out together.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
peppermint sugar cookies
I made peppermint sugar cookies tonight for fusion tomorrow night. Now that that task is done I'd really like to just sit down and watch the Cosby show on Netflix, but I know I need to spend some time with God today...especially since I missed yesterday. I don't feel guilty about it - it's just been on my mind (and heart) that I didn't spend any time reading my bible or praying yesterday and I don't like that. I need to be MORE honorable...which means being MORE faithful (and more diligent)...even with the small things like: reading my bible, prayer, dishes, laundry, brushing my teeth, etc. So anyway, here I am.
I wanted to blog tonight about a couple of verses that have been sticking with me lately and what they mean to me.
Proverbs 10:19 (NKJV)
In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.
All of my life my dad's made comments to me about how much I talk. I always thought it was funny...but when I came across this verse it struck a chord with me. At work, Jylina talks even more than I do and I've found that when she really gets talking it affects me in a big way. The longer she talks the more foul my mood becomes until I'm just as upset or more so than she is. And I don't like that. Anger, resentment, talking about others behind their backs...all of this can stem from one person spouting their mouth off. And although I use Jylina as an example, I know that my mouth can be the exact same way. When I get to talking, especially if I'm upset, my words can affect others too and I can be the catalyst to sin. So...I'm trying to restrain my lips...not necessarily for wisdom (although I think that's a great perk) but to keep sin from being abundant.
Proverbs 13:25 (NKJV)
The righteous eats to the satisfying of his soul, But the stomach of the wicked shall be in want.
I understand that this verse is a metaphor for the Bread of Life (the word of God)...but somehow it seems to have a more literal meaning for myself. I should be more satisfied by reading the bible than by filling my stomach. In other words, I need to change my perspective about food. My greatest concern everyday should not be what's for breakfast, lunch or dinner...but rather when will I have the time to get into the word today and pray? This is difficult for me. You could say that I'm just a little bit obsessed with food and eating. My taste buds are always in want of something good and more often than not my stomach seems like a never ending black pit. I used to wake up in the morning when I was in jr. high and high school and literally the thing that would get me out of bed was what kind of cereal we had in the pantry waiting for me to eat it. When I went on my VLC diet in college I would dream about pizza and hamburgers and brownies. I know that this is not normal. I know that I have issues with food and over-eating. In fact, I've been struggling lately with whether or not I should join OA (overeaters anonymous). Aunt Sherrill joined years ago and it has helped her tremendously. But...it costs money and belts are strapped around here. Anyway, the point is that for me, this verse becomes something more. The satisfaction of my soul is more important than the want that is in my stomach. Although it's hard to put into words...I know what I mean.
I'm continuing to pray that God breaks my heart for people so that I can love them like He does... and that he gives me my vision. I'm praying that God helps me to both restrain my lips and satisfy my soul (not my stomach).
P.S. If Pastor Rick were to ask what did we do with the time that we've been given this week....I feel like my answers would at least register on the radar. We gave tithe and missions offering...I helped out in Nursery this week...I went to the first decorating night at church and was able to talk with Kim for a while...and I made cookies for Fusion. I'm also going to Fusion tomorrow night and helping to finish decorating on Saturday afternoon. It may not be much (and sometimes I wonder if any of this registers on God's radar) but at least I'm putting some action behind my words....even if it does feel insignificant still.
P.P.S. Oh....and I started reading Sun Stand Still.
I wanted to blog tonight about a couple of verses that have been sticking with me lately and what they mean to me.
Proverbs 10:19 (NKJV)
In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.
All of my life my dad's made comments to me about how much I talk. I always thought it was funny...but when I came across this verse it struck a chord with me. At work, Jylina talks even more than I do and I've found that when she really gets talking it affects me in a big way. The longer she talks the more foul my mood becomes until I'm just as upset or more so than she is. And I don't like that. Anger, resentment, talking about others behind their backs...all of this can stem from one person spouting their mouth off. And although I use Jylina as an example, I know that my mouth can be the exact same way. When I get to talking, especially if I'm upset, my words can affect others too and I can be the catalyst to sin. So...I'm trying to restrain my lips...not necessarily for wisdom (although I think that's a great perk) but to keep sin from being abundant.
Proverbs 13:25 (NKJV)
The righteous eats to the satisfying of his soul, But the stomach of the wicked shall be in want.
I understand that this verse is a metaphor for the Bread of Life (the word of God)...but somehow it seems to have a more literal meaning for myself. I should be more satisfied by reading the bible than by filling my stomach. In other words, I need to change my perspective about food. My greatest concern everyday should not be what's for breakfast, lunch or dinner...but rather when will I have the time to get into the word today and pray? This is difficult for me. You could say that I'm just a little bit obsessed with food and eating. My taste buds are always in want of something good and more often than not my stomach seems like a never ending black pit. I used to wake up in the morning when I was in jr. high and high school and literally the thing that would get me out of bed was what kind of cereal we had in the pantry waiting for me to eat it. When I went on my VLC diet in college I would dream about pizza and hamburgers and brownies. I know that this is not normal. I know that I have issues with food and over-eating. In fact, I've been struggling lately with whether or not I should join OA (overeaters anonymous). Aunt Sherrill joined years ago and it has helped her tremendously. But...it costs money and belts are strapped around here. Anyway, the point is that for me, this verse becomes something more. The satisfaction of my soul is more important than the want that is in my stomach. Although it's hard to put into words...I know what I mean.
I'm continuing to pray that God breaks my heart for people so that I can love them like He does... and that he gives me my vision. I'm praying that God helps me to both restrain my lips and satisfy my soul (not my stomach).
P.S. If Pastor Rick were to ask what did we do with the time that we've been given this week....I feel like my answers would at least register on the radar. We gave tithe and missions offering...I helped out in Nursery this week...I went to the first decorating night at church and was able to talk with Kim for a while...and I made cookies for Fusion. I'm also going to Fusion tomorrow night and helping to finish decorating on Saturday afternoon. It may not be much (and sometimes I wonder if any of this registers on God's radar) but at least I'm putting some action behind my words....even if it does feel insignificant still.
P.P.S. Oh....and I started reading Sun Stand Still.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
sermon reflections
It's been a few days since my last blog and although I can't say I'm feeling guilty, it has been weighing on my mind that I'm not exactly being faithful about daily devotions yet. So here I am on this rainy Sunday evening, ready to reflect on today's sermon message.
Step 1: Get the vision
Be more honorable in how you live - I know I talked about this in my last entry, but lately it's really been on my mind that for me, personally, one way to live honorably is through how I treat my body...meaning what I put in my mouth and getting exercise. I'm not honoring myself or God by eating things just because they taste good and not working out because I just don't feel like it. So, one area that I know I need to pray about and really seek God's help on is being honorable with my body. It's definitely not going to be easy....(it never has been)....but God is bigger than my apetite and a lot stronger than my will.
Ask God for a BIG BIG dream - Last Sunday we were to write down on a card what our dream or vision for our life was and it was like my mind went blank. I've had a lot of dreams over the years, but honestly, I don't know if they're "me-inspired" or "God-inspired." Here are things I've thought of in the past....
*starting an orphanage/school in Africa (I mostly got this from the book Little Men)
*having an in-home daycare for children of teen moms
*becoming a missionary over-sees (inspired by other missionaries)
*opening a home for teen moms where they can live and be cared for when they are kicked out of their own house (inspired by my mom from years ago)
*opening a preschool at a church (partly inspired by a co-worker)
*teaching oversees in a small village that would otherwise not have access to a native English speaker (inspired by a sermon once at church where there was a need for this)
Tell God why you want that dream - HA! I have no idea. This is what I mean by I don't know what my dream or vision is and I don't know exactly why I would want it. Ryan had a good point today that all of our dreams should start with the words "to spread God's glory by..." Anyway, let me go back to that card and what I ended up writing down. I wrote down "use me to love people." It was both as generic and as specific as I could get in the moment. I don't know what vision or dream or plan God has for my life I just know that I want to be used and that to be used I need to love people. Why do I want that? Because I want to be actively DOING something for the kingdom of God. But I don't know what I should be doing.
Show God now that He can trust you with more later - This is real struggling point. I'm really not showing God that He can trust me with much of anything now. I mean, we tithe our 10% and give extra to missions and we try to help out with the We Care ministry...but all of that is financial. What about my time and my heart? You know, the thing that was striking me today during the sermon, plus Ryan specifically mentioned it, is that if you want to open an orphanage but go around angry at the behavior of children in church than maybe your heart needs to be changed. You know, almost every item on my vision list has to do with children and yet, how angry do I get at work when the twins won't stop fussing and Giuliana is making my ear bleed? How frustrated would I get when the 2 year olds at AAK wouldn't go on the potty or fall asleep on cue? How often did I completely lose it with my 2nd graders when I was in a bad mood that had nothing to do with them? Clearly, my heart needs a serious revamping before God can trust me to love His children.
I'll skip ahead to step 4 since this is already quite long....
Step 4: Begin right now...just do it!
What do you need to be more faithful with right now?
Prayer. Devotions. Quiet time. Attitude. Time. Love. I need to spend more time in prayer. I need to be in the Word daily with quiet time and devotion. I need to be thankful for where I'm at and what I have rather than complaining. I need to use my time more for Him and less on the internet and computer. I need to love more. I need to love myself more by treating my body right and I need to love others more.
What can you do this week to launch the vision?
Pray. Pray about what my vision is and how God can use me. Pray to be more honorable in all parts of my life. Pray for God to start working on my heart to love people more.
Monday, November 21, 2011
the beginning 11.21.11
On my way home today I was thinking about this new blog and thoughts were just coming from left and right about which ones I needed to work through on here, but as soon as I sit down to write it, my mind seems to go blank and I have no idea where to start. So much seems to be happening inside me lately that it's hard to get a handle on all of it.
I think it started with life groups which led to leaf raking which led to a desire to serve more and do more which led to Serve City and buying shirts for the youth and giving to missions and buying stuff from We Care and giving Ryan and April a hundred bucks and I'm sure I'm forgetting something. But despite all of these things that we're "doing" I still don't feel like I'm doing anything. I still don't feel like I'm serving or being used. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me and other times I wonder why God isn't using me for more.
Pastor Rick keeps talking about trust in his sermons. Can God trust us if he blesses us? If God "poured it on" us, would it ruin us? What are we doing with what we have now? And part of that trust, I believe, is being faithful with the little things we're entrusted with. For example, I'm given 24 hours in a day - 10 of that is work and driving, 8 are for sleeping, 2 are for getting ready and making dinner...that leaves me with a good 4 hours of the day (or more sometimes) that I usually waste on netflix or facebook or shooting my mouth off to Adam. I'm not being faithful with my time. I'm not in prayer daily. I'm not reading the word daily. I can't even remember the last time that I got quiet and just listened to God.
I read a quote today...
I think it started with life groups which led to leaf raking which led to a desire to serve more and do more which led to Serve City and buying shirts for the youth and giving to missions and buying stuff from We Care and giving Ryan and April a hundred bucks and I'm sure I'm forgetting something. But despite all of these things that we're "doing" I still don't feel like I'm doing anything. I still don't feel like I'm serving or being used. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me and other times I wonder why God isn't using me for more.
Pastor Rick keeps talking about trust in his sermons. Can God trust us if he blesses us? If God "poured it on" us, would it ruin us? What are we doing with what we have now? And part of that trust, I believe, is being faithful with the little things we're entrusted with. For example, I'm given 24 hours in a day - 10 of that is work and driving, 8 are for sleeping, 2 are for getting ready and making dinner...that leaves me with a good 4 hours of the day (or more sometimes) that I usually waste on netflix or facebook or shooting my mouth off to Adam. I'm not being faithful with my time. I'm not in prayer daily. I'm not reading the word daily. I can't even remember the last time that I got quiet and just listened to God.
I read a quote today...
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