I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep at night. I'm awake at 3:30. I feel like I'm living in a dream. This can't be real. I can't really be pregnant. But I am. I really really am.
Help.
On Saturday a sudden and unexplained exhaustion came over me and I fell asleep on the couch for an hour. Not typical of me. When I woke up I had to pee. On an impulse I grabbed a dip stick and took it with me. I already knew that it was going to say not pregnant (although I guess subconsciously there must have been an inkling of pregnancy since I made the decision to take a test)...but low and behold the test read "pregnant" and my world turned upside down. I grabbed the stick and the wrapper and as soon as I reached the stairwell I was shouting, "Adam! Adam! Adam!" over and over again until he got up from the computer and put his hands on my shoulders. "I'm pregnant," is all I said and then I showed him the stick.
I remember a very brief moment of gladness but it was quickly replaced by fear, anxiety and the reality of what this meant. I started shaking. I covered my mouth. I may have half-smiled before a glint of tears formed in my eyes. I started breathing uncontrollably. I needed to call my mom.
Adam guided me to the couch and I eventually joined him there. His first instinct, above all else, is to research it. So he researched the test I took (clear blue easy digital). There were quite a few false positives with it. Immediately after he shared that with me I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I had things back under control. Life wasn't forever altered.....at least not yet.
We decided to buy another test, First Response, when we got groceries later on to see if what we saw earlier would be confirmed or denied. When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom. I was much more anxious this time around and kept watching the blinking clock to see what it would read at the end. It was a No-. Again I felt that wave of relief and went to share the news with Adam.
The next morning I took my temperature. It was still high and no sign of period to come. By the time I drove him to the airport I had to know what his thoughts were. The only thing I got was, "It will all work out. We'll be fine." It didn't help me to feel any better. I promised him before he left that I wouldn't test again until he came back. I'd just be watching and waiting for my temp to drop and my period to start.
That lasted less than 24 hours. By Monday morning I was a wreck. I had to know one way or the other. Luckily I'd scheduled a physical for my new job at 10:45am. I knew that they'd test me there and I'd get a final answer.
The physical came and went and although I expressed concern about a possible pregnancy, nothing was done to confirm or deny it. Since I was at Walgreens anyway, I took matters into my own hands. I bought another pack of tests...the ordinary, read-the-pink-lines First Response test.
I was scheduled to meet Jessica at Panera at noon so with tests in hand I made my way there. Arriving early I had just enough time to stowaway in the bathroom and perform another quick test. I read the instructions and carried them out flawlessly, even using my phone as a timer.
As I laid the test on the floor and hid it from prying eyes behind my boot, I glanced down not more than 30 seconds into the test. I could already make out the second line beginning to appear. I willed myself to wait out the next two and a half minutes without looking. When I again looked down, sure enough, there it was...one dark pink line and one unmistakable light pink line.
I am pregnant.
I left the bathroom and took the stick with me (in the wrapper) in my purse. I found a seat and tried to tell myself that I was pregnant. I felt myself starting to freak out again so I sent Adam an email. It said simply, "I'm pregnant. Help."
Soon afterward Jessica showed up and I was able to take my mind off things. As I sat there holding her almost 6 week old son, I couldn't imagine myself with one. I couldn't imagine that God was already growing one of these inside of my body. This can't really be happening to me.
When she asked if I was pregnant I knew I couldn't and wouldn't lie. I showed her a picture of the sticks. She was excited for me and couldn't stop smiling, but I couldn't accept her excitement. It still wasn't real.
When we went to Buy Buy Baby to walk around I steeled myself against imagining any of this was actually for me. Instead, I walked around admiring the toys and trinkets for some far distant future use.
I talked to Adam later that night and finally asked him to tell me what he was feeling. He said, "excited." Why am I not excited? I want to be. In fact, I want to tell everyone so that their reactions might inspire me to be excited. Especially our parents and Steph and Nicolas. I just want them to know so badly so that I don't feel so alone in this.
Tonight was Life Group. Leslie, Casey, Laura, Mom and I were the only ones to show. I congratulated Laura and asked her questions about her first doctor's appointment and the hospital they've chosen. When I asked her her due date I almost laughed. She's due November 7th. I'm due November 18th. Within eleven days of each other. I wanted to say something so badly. I wanted to join that secret club of recently pregnant first timers so that we can confide in each other with all of our anxieties......but I kept my mouth shut. I'm not ready for my mother-in-law to know....not without Adam present.
I feel completely unprepared for this. I can't imagine why I wanted this and sought it out. And why is it happening now? I'm leaving my short term disability. I'm getting a cut in pay. How are we going to make it? How will we survive? And what will we do about childcare? What about finishing the bathroom and new flooring? We can't afford all that plus a baby. And our insurance is crap and what if I'm not covered at all because I've got a pre-existing condition?
I'm just so overwhelmed by all of this. I want my mom but she'll cease to be my mom when she finds out. She'll be a giddy grandmother.
I can't imagine what this must be like if you're a teenager. I'm 28 years old and I work with infants and I don't feel any more prepared.
I can't wait until Friday when my love comes home and we can sort this all out together.
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