peppermint sugar cookies

I made peppermint sugar cookies tonight for fusion tomorrow night.  Now that that task is done I'd really like to just sit down and watch the Cosby show on Netflix, but I know I need to spend some time with God today...especially since I missed yesterday.  I don't feel guilty about it - it's just been on my mind (and heart) that I didn't spend any time reading my bible or praying yesterday and I don't like that.  I need to be MORE honorable...which means being MORE faithful (and more diligent)...even with the small things like: reading my bible, prayer, dishes, laundry,  brushing my teeth, etc.  So anyway, here I am.

I wanted to blog tonight about a couple of verses that have been sticking with me lately and what they mean to me.

Proverbs 10:19 (NKJV)
In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.

All of my life my dad's made comments to me about how much I talk.  I always thought it was funny...but when I came across this verse it struck a chord with me.  At work, Jylina talks even more than I do and I've found that when she really gets talking it affects me in a big way.  The longer she talks the more foul my mood becomes until I'm just as upset or more so than she is.  And I don't like that.  Anger, resentment, talking about others behind their backs...all of this can stem from one person spouting their mouth off.  And although I use Jylina as an example, I know that my mouth can be the exact same way.  When I get to talking, especially if I'm upset, my words can affect others too and I can be the catalyst to sin.  So...I'm trying to restrain my lips...not necessarily for wisdom (although I think that's a great perk) but to keep sin from being abundant.

Proverbs 13:25 (NKJV)
The righteous eats to the satisfying of his soul, But the stomach of the wicked shall be in want.

I understand that this verse is a metaphor for the Bread of Life (the word of God)...but somehow it seems to have a more literal meaning for myself.  I should be more satisfied by reading the bible than by filling my stomach.  In other words, I need to change my perspective about food.  My greatest concern everyday should not be what's for breakfast, lunch or dinner...but rather when will I have the time to get into the word today and pray?  This is difficult for me.  You could say that I'm just a little bit obsessed with food and eating.  My taste buds are always in want of something good and more often than not my stomach seems like a never ending black pit.  I used to wake up in the morning when I was in jr. high and high school and literally the thing that would get me out of bed was what kind of cereal we had in the pantry waiting for me to eat it.  When I went on my VLC diet in college I would dream about pizza and hamburgers and brownies.  I know that this is not normal.  I know that I have issues with food and over-eating.  In fact, I've been struggling lately with whether or not I should join OA (overeaters anonymous).  Aunt Sherrill joined years ago and it has helped her tremendously.  But...it costs money and belts are strapped around here.   Anyway, the point is that for me, this verse becomes something more.  The satisfaction of my soul is more important than the want that is in my stomach.  Although it's hard to put into words...I know what I mean.

I'm continuing to pray that God breaks my heart for people so that I can love them like He does... and that he gives me my vision.  I'm praying that God helps me to both restrain my lips and satisfy my soul (not my stomach). 

P.S. If Pastor Rick were to ask what did we do with the time that we've been given this week....I feel like my answers would at least register on the radar.  We gave tithe and missions offering...I helped out in Nursery this week...I went to the first decorating night at church and was able to talk with Kim for a while...and I made cookies for Fusion.  I'm also going to Fusion tomorrow night and helping to finish decorating on Saturday afternoon.  It may not be much (and sometimes I wonder if any of this registers on God's radar) but at least I'm putting some action behind my words....even if it does feel insignificant still.

P.P.S. Oh....and I started reading Sun Stand Still. 

sermon reflections

It's been a few days since my last blog and although I can't say I'm feeling guilty, it has been weighing on my mind that I'm not exactly being faithful about daily devotions yet.  So here I am on this rainy Sunday evening, ready to reflect on today's sermon message. 

Today was (I believe) the culmination of the prayer of Jabez sermon series we've been working through.  Inside the bulletin was an insert on "how to start a colossal vision."  It was too much to think through and process during an hour long sermon which is why I wanted to take the time to really think about it and write some of my thoughts down.  

Step 1: Get the vision
Be more honorable in how you live - I know I talked about this in my last entry, but lately it's really been on my mind that for me, personally, one way to live honorably is through how I treat my body...meaning what I put in my mouth and getting exercise.  I'm not honoring myself or God by eating things just because they taste good and not working out because I just don't feel like it.  So, one area that I know I need to pray about and really seek God's help on is being honorable with my body.  It's definitely not going to be easy....(it never has been)....but God is bigger than my apetite and a lot stronger than my will. 


Ask God for a BIG BIG dream - Last Sunday we were to write down on a card what our dream or vision for our life was and it was like my mind went blank.  I've had a lot of dreams over the years, but honestly, I don't know if they're "me-inspired" or "God-inspired."  Here are things I've thought of in the past....


*starting an orphanage/school in Africa (I mostly got this from the book Little Men)
*having an in-home daycare for children of teen moms
*becoming a missionary over-sees (inspired by other missionaries)
*opening a home for teen moms where they can live and be cared for when they are kicked out of their own house (inspired by my mom from years ago)
*opening a preschool at a church (partly inspired by a co-worker)
*teaching oversees in a small village that would otherwise not have access to a native English speaker (inspired by a sermon once at church where there was a need for this)

Tell God why you want that dream - HA! I have no idea.  This is what I mean by I don't know what my dream or vision is and I don't know exactly why I would want it.  Ryan had a good point today that all of our dreams should start with the words "to spread God's glory by..."  Anyway, let me go back to that card and what I ended up writing down.  I wrote down "use me to love people."  It was both as generic and as specific as I could get in the moment.  I don't know what vision or dream or plan God has for my life I just know that I want to be used and that to be used I need to love people.  Why do I want that?  Because I want to be actively DOING something for the kingdom of God.  But I don't know what I should be doing. 


Show God now that He can trust you with more later - This is real struggling point.  I'm really not showing God that He can trust me with much of anything now.  I mean, we tithe our 10% and give extra to missions and we try to help out with the We Care ministry...but all of that is financial.  What about my time and my heart?  You know, the thing that was striking me today during the sermon, plus Ryan specifically mentioned it, is that if you want to open an orphanage but go around angry at the behavior of children in church than maybe your heart needs to be changed.  You know, almost every item on my vision list has to do with children and yet, how angry do I get at work when the twins won't stop fussing and Giuliana is making my ear bleed?  How frustrated would I get when the 2 year olds at AAK wouldn't go on the potty or fall asleep on cue?  How often did I completely lose it with my 2nd graders when I was in a bad mood that had nothing to do with them?  Clearly, my heart needs a serious revamping before God can trust me to love His children.  


I'll skip ahead to step 4 since this is already quite long....


Step 4: Begin right now...just do it!


What do you need to be more faithful with right now?  


Prayer. Devotions. Quiet time. Attitude. Time. Love.  I need to spend more time in prayer.  I need to be in the Word daily with quiet time and devotion.  I need to be thankful for where I'm at and what I have rather than complaining.  I need to use my time more for Him and less on the internet and computer.  I need to love more.  I need to love myself more by treating my body right and I need to love others more.


What can you do this week to launch the vision?


Pray.  Pray about what my vision is and how God can use me. Pray to be more honorable in all parts of my life.  Pray for God to start working on my heart to love people more.  

the beginning 11.21.11

On my way home today I was thinking about this new blog and thoughts were just coming from left and right about which ones I needed to work through on here, but as soon as I sit down to write it, my mind seems to go blank and I have no idea where to start.  So much seems to be happening inside me lately that it's hard to get a handle on all of it. 


I think it started with life groups which led to leaf raking which led to a desire to serve more and do more which led to Serve City and buying shirts for the youth and giving to missions and buying stuff from We Care and giving Ryan and April a hundred bucks and I'm sure I'm forgetting something.  But despite all of these things that we're "doing" I still don't feel like I'm doing anything.  I still don't feel like I'm serving or being used.  Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me and other times I wonder why God isn't using me for more.  


Pastor Rick keeps talking about trust in his sermons.  Can God trust us if he blesses us?  If God "poured it on" us, would it ruin us?  What are we doing with what we have now?  And part of that trust, I believe, is being faithful with the little things we're entrusted with.  For example, I'm given 24 hours in a day - 10 of that is work and driving, 8 are for sleeping, 2 are for getting ready and making dinner...that leaves me with a good 4 hours of the day (or more sometimes) that I usually waste on netflix or facebook or shooting my mouth off to Adam.  I'm not being faithful with my time.  I'm not in prayer daily.  I'm not reading the word daily.  I can't even remember the last time that I got quiet and just listened to God.  


I read a quote today...

The biggest threat to the church today is fans who calls themselves Christians but aren't actually interested in following Christ. They want to be close enough to Jesus to get all the benefits, but not so close that it requires anything from them.

How true that is for me.  I love worshiping and fellowship....but I don't want to give up my free time to do something like "study" the word or listen to God.  In fact, here's something that I've recently discovered about myself.  I am deathly afraid to hear God speak to me.  Every night when I go the bathroom at 2 or 3am I round the corner to go up the stairs and a fear grips my heart that an angel will appear to me and tell me what God wants me to do.  And ya know what?  I don't want to know.  I don't want a visit from an angel.  I don't want something supernatural like that to happen to me.  It would totally freak me out.  And I think this fear is invading my entire spiritual walk.  I tend to keep my prayers closed...meaning that when I'm done talking, the prayer is over.  I don't want a response.  And because I'm not willing to wait and listen for a response....I'm never going to get an answer to my questions.

The biggest question I have right now is what does God want to do with my life.  I've visited the alter of the church on my knees more in the past month than I have my ENTIRE life.  I'm in tears asking God to use me, to do something with me, to make me useful for His kingdom.....but I haven't once stopped to be quiet and to listen to what it is He might have for me.  Maybe if I change my approach and instead of crying out to God about this, I get quiet before him and listen, I'll get an answer.

2 Chronicles 16:9 says this: "For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him..."

Am I loyal to Him?  Enough for His eyes to find me?  Hmmm...something to think about.

Another point in Sunday's sermon was that we should desire more influence on those around us.  I immediately thought of work.  I have struggled with taking my faith to work forever.  I tend to soak up emotion like a sponge and it is difficult to me not to get sucked in to negativity and anger at work.  I want to be positive.  I want to be different.  I want to be someone who everyone says, "she loves her job....she's always so happy to be here...she'll do anything for anyone...i love working with her..." but I know that I'm not at all that person.  In fact, if I'm being honest, I'm no different than anyone else who works there.  I am definitely not "more honorable" like Jabez was.  Just today I was bad mouthing my job because they've asked for money yet again.  I was bad mouthing co-workers because I was annoyed with a peeping Tom and someone who holds the babies too much.  Sometimes I feel like with work it's always 1 step forward, 5 steps back.  On Sunday I get so fired up about changing the world for God....and on Monday I'm back doing and saying the same thing I said the last week.  I hate that.  

A speaker at the conference said this weekend that he was saved from a world of drugs, sex and atheism....but that it wasn't his testimony that he admired.  It was his wife's because she had to be saved from inside the church.  I agree with that.  It's harder to be saved from inside the church than outside of it.  I'm not a bible scholar by any means, but I know the right words to say and right songs to sing....and where has that gotten me?  Sometimes grace is harder to see inside the church.

Do you know what I know of grace?  When I was visiting my Aunt Nancy, Peggy let us take her golf cart out in the woods for a drive.  As we were rounding a corner, my aunt told me to slow down, but my foot confused the gas pedal for the break pedal and as we rounded the bend, I slammed it into a tree trunk.  When we got back to the house my aunt offered to tell Peggy that she had been driving, but I knew I needed to tell the truth.  After I told her and she assessed the damage....she smiled and held out the keys to me and asked if I'd like to take it for another spin.  I looked at her like she was crazy and said, "What????  No, I don't think so."  And she said, "Why not?  It's called grace."  

That is what I know of grace.  When you wreck a golf cart and the owner just smiles and holds out the keys for you to do it all over again.  How many, many times a day I need grace.  Some days I feel like all I do is run into a tree trunk over and over again.  And God's still there smiling and handing me the keys.

God I thank you for your grace.  I thank you that your grace is enough.  I'm sorry I'm such a screw up.  I'm sorry I can't seem to get things together.  I'm sorry that I'm not ready to be used because I'm not faithful with the small things.  I'm sorry I'm not a better wife and a better coworker.  I'm sorry that I continue to fall so short.  It is my desire to know you better and to know what you would have me do.  Help me to be quiet and listen to you.  Help me to love others even when they're unlovable.  No one said it was going to be easy being a Christian, but I'm tired of not being real.  I wanna be sold out for you.  I wanna be so excited about what you're doing that I can't keep my mouth shut.  I wanna have the guts to share what I know about you with others.  I wanna be able to tell my story to somebody...whatever that story is.  I love you.  Amen.