the beginning 11.21.11

On my way home today I was thinking about this new blog and thoughts were just coming from left and right about which ones I needed to work through on here, but as soon as I sit down to write it, my mind seems to go blank and I have no idea where to start.  So much seems to be happening inside me lately that it's hard to get a handle on all of it. 


I think it started with life groups which led to leaf raking which led to a desire to serve more and do more which led to Serve City and buying shirts for the youth and giving to missions and buying stuff from We Care and giving Ryan and April a hundred bucks and I'm sure I'm forgetting something.  But despite all of these things that we're "doing" I still don't feel like I'm doing anything.  I still don't feel like I'm serving or being used.  Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me and other times I wonder why God isn't using me for more.  


Pastor Rick keeps talking about trust in his sermons.  Can God trust us if he blesses us?  If God "poured it on" us, would it ruin us?  What are we doing with what we have now?  And part of that trust, I believe, is being faithful with the little things we're entrusted with.  For example, I'm given 24 hours in a day - 10 of that is work and driving, 8 are for sleeping, 2 are for getting ready and making dinner...that leaves me with a good 4 hours of the day (or more sometimes) that I usually waste on netflix or facebook or shooting my mouth off to Adam.  I'm not being faithful with my time.  I'm not in prayer daily.  I'm not reading the word daily.  I can't even remember the last time that I got quiet and just listened to God.  


I read a quote today...

The biggest threat to the church today is fans who calls themselves Christians but aren't actually interested in following Christ. They want to be close enough to Jesus to get all the benefits, but not so close that it requires anything from them.

How true that is for me.  I love worshiping and fellowship....but I don't want to give up my free time to do something like "study" the word or listen to God.  In fact, here's something that I've recently discovered about myself.  I am deathly afraid to hear God speak to me.  Every night when I go the bathroom at 2 or 3am I round the corner to go up the stairs and a fear grips my heart that an angel will appear to me and tell me what God wants me to do.  And ya know what?  I don't want to know.  I don't want a visit from an angel.  I don't want something supernatural like that to happen to me.  It would totally freak me out.  And I think this fear is invading my entire spiritual walk.  I tend to keep my prayers closed...meaning that when I'm done talking, the prayer is over.  I don't want a response.  And because I'm not willing to wait and listen for a response....I'm never going to get an answer to my questions.

The biggest question I have right now is what does God want to do with my life.  I've visited the alter of the church on my knees more in the past month than I have my ENTIRE life.  I'm in tears asking God to use me, to do something with me, to make me useful for His kingdom.....but I haven't once stopped to be quiet and to listen to what it is He might have for me.  Maybe if I change my approach and instead of crying out to God about this, I get quiet before him and listen, I'll get an answer.

2 Chronicles 16:9 says this: "For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him..."

Am I loyal to Him?  Enough for His eyes to find me?  Hmmm...something to think about.

Another point in Sunday's sermon was that we should desire more influence on those around us.  I immediately thought of work.  I have struggled with taking my faith to work forever.  I tend to soak up emotion like a sponge and it is difficult to me not to get sucked in to negativity and anger at work.  I want to be positive.  I want to be different.  I want to be someone who everyone says, "she loves her job....she's always so happy to be here...she'll do anything for anyone...i love working with her..." but I know that I'm not at all that person.  In fact, if I'm being honest, I'm no different than anyone else who works there.  I am definitely not "more honorable" like Jabez was.  Just today I was bad mouthing my job because they've asked for money yet again.  I was bad mouthing co-workers because I was annoyed with a peeping Tom and someone who holds the babies too much.  Sometimes I feel like with work it's always 1 step forward, 5 steps back.  On Sunday I get so fired up about changing the world for God....and on Monday I'm back doing and saying the same thing I said the last week.  I hate that.  

A speaker at the conference said this weekend that he was saved from a world of drugs, sex and atheism....but that it wasn't his testimony that he admired.  It was his wife's because she had to be saved from inside the church.  I agree with that.  It's harder to be saved from inside the church than outside of it.  I'm not a bible scholar by any means, but I know the right words to say and right songs to sing....and where has that gotten me?  Sometimes grace is harder to see inside the church.

Do you know what I know of grace?  When I was visiting my Aunt Nancy, Peggy let us take her golf cart out in the woods for a drive.  As we were rounding a corner, my aunt told me to slow down, but my foot confused the gas pedal for the break pedal and as we rounded the bend, I slammed it into a tree trunk.  When we got back to the house my aunt offered to tell Peggy that she had been driving, but I knew I needed to tell the truth.  After I told her and she assessed the damage....she smiled and held out the keys to me and asked if I'd like to take it for another spin.  I looked at her like she was crazy and said, "What????  No, I don't think so."  And she said, "Why not?  It's called grace."  

That is what I know of grace.  When you wreck a golf cart and the owner just smiles and holds out the keys for you to do it all over again.  How many, many times a day I need grace.  Some days I feel like all I do is run into a tree trunk over and over again.  And God's still there smiling and handing me the keys.

God I thank you for your grace.  I thank you that your grace is enough.  I'm sorry I'm such a screw up.  I'm sorry I can't seem to get things together.  I'm sorry that I'm not ready to be used because I'm not faithful with the small things.  I'm sorry I'm not a better wife and a better coworker.  I'm sorry that I continue to fall so short.  It is my desire to know you better and to know what you would have me do.  Help me to be quiet and listen to you.  Help me to love others even when they're unlovable.  No one said it was going to be easy being a Christian, but I'm tired of not being real.  I wanna be sold out for you.  I wanna be so excited about what you're doing that I can't keep my mouth shut.  I wanna have the guts to share what I know about you with others.  I wanna be able to tell my story to somebody...whatever that story is.  I love you.  Amen.